This is available as a magnet for the fridge!This is a transcript from SATIRE Radio News
from The Onion.
It's the Onion Radio news! A heroic pit bull journeys 2,000 miles to attack its owner. This is Doyle Redland, reporting.
A determined three-year-old pit bull escaped from a kennel in Quincy, Illinois and miraculously found its way across the great plains and through the Rocky Mountains to its master's new home in Pasadena, California, where it savagely mauled owner Jerry Lathrup. Lathrup's wife, Helen, was overwhelmed.
She explained, "There was this scratching sound at the front door, and when I opened it, there was Sarge! He bolted across the room and sprung, right at Jerry's face!"
The last similar incident occurred back in 1885, when a mule followed its owner from California all the way to the gold fields of Alaska, in order to kick him to death.
Doyle Redland, for the Onion Radio News, online at the onion.com. THIS is not Satire news, it's a true story. It may be stranger news than the one from The Onion, and stranger still, there is effort to save this dog's life after mauling a person to death. There are people lined up to adopt it. Life is stranger than fiction, even satire, these days.
From The Onion: It's a satire news site, but for some of us, THIS is an unfortunate true story.
SPRINGFIELD, MA—Initial reports from your back porch confirmed Sunday
that, yep, the couple next door just got a pit bull. Witnesses said one
of its ears appears to have been bitten off and the animal has scars all
over its muzzle, indications that, wouldn’t you know it, this is
probably one of those rescue dogs that was thoroughly abused by its
previous owner. There it goes, sources stated, just growling and barking
away. And jumping. The pit bull can reportedly jump really high, clamp
its jaws down on a dangling piece of knotted rope, and just hang there,
snarling. According to sources, a low hedge is all that separates the
animal from your backyard, which, sure enough, is where your three small
children play all the time. Oh, here we go, the reports continued, your
neighbor is apparently coming over to tell you there are a lot of
misconceptions about these dogs. They’re only as bad as their owners, he
says. Well, at least they only got one pit—oh, nope, there’s a second
one coming out of the house. How about that, sources said. Two pit
bulls, and they’re really starting to go at each other, aren’t they?
Witnesses later confirmed that, Christ, they’re just going to leave the
two dogs untethered in the backyard while they go out for the night.
Reposted from The Onion: It almost hits too close to home to be satire.
NEW YORK—Lauding his sturdy build,
immaculate pedigree, and unparalleled ability to latch onto opponents’
throats until they bleed to death, sources confirmed today that purebred
American pit bull terrier Nitro is widely expected to secure top honors
at this year’s Westminster Kennel Club Dog Fight.
As the most
vicious canines among each of the club’s 190 recognized breeds square
off Tuesday night, Nitro is reportedly the odds-on favorite to win it
all, having already mercilessly ripped apart each of his opponents to
become the last pit bull remaining in the nation’s most prestigious dog
fighting competition.
“Since 1877, the Westminster Dog Fight has
featured only the finest bred and most brutally trained competitors, and
Nitro is one of the deadliest specimens we’ve seen in years,” said Sporting Dog Journal
columnist Mark Halberstrom, adding that judges would give the
3-year-old animal high scores in categories such as jaw-clamping
strength, incisor sharpness, and overall bloodlust. “He’ll likely tear
his way through the toy breeds very quickly, tossing the Yorkshire
terriers, the Maltese, and the pugs around like throw pillows.”
“I
was pitside last year when it took him 11 seconds to reduce a Bichon
Frise to a pile of bloodied fluff,” Halberstrom continued. “He’s just a
beautiful, beautiful killing machine.”
At the Westminster Dog
Fight, held annually in the basement of New York’s Port Authority Bus
Terminal, Nitro will vie for glory against well-bred opponents who bear
the mangy coats, shorn ears, and infected, staple-bound lacerations that
are the hallmarks of the sport’s true elite. According to insiders, he
has already won numerous regional matches against such infamous veterans
of the dog fight circuit as Razor Jaw, Sergeant Darkness, Bricks,
Scarface IV, and Cerberus.
While his natural talent can perhaps be
attributed to his rarefied lineage—he was sired by 2006 Westminster Dog
Fight victor Jackknife—much of his success is reportedly due to his
work with legendary trainer Rusty “Ratchet” Caldwell, who is said to
have kept Nitro chained to a water heater from an early age, forced him
to run on a treadmill, and administered a strict regimen of beatings
with a lead pipe.
The 55-pound pit bull was also fed a standard
diet of hamburger meat, shelter kittens, anabolic steroids, and
gunpowder, sources stated.
“Only once or twice in a generation are
we presented with a fight dog like this,” said blood-sport enthusiast
Trevor Wilburn, who described watching Nitro methodically take apart a
former police dog during a match at an abandoned foundry in Tupelo, MS.
“He has the poise, the genetics, and the raw savagery necessary to
achieve true greatness.”
“I’d say the only two dogs who have a chance to win are Nitro and maybe [180-pound Tibetan mastiff] Dreamcatcher,” Wilburn added.
Caldwell,
however, expressed total confidence that Nitro would be the one taking
the victory trot back to his cage. The trainer said he would be
rewarding his dog with a saline IV drip and 160 mg of Oxycontin, while
any other animals still alive after the fight would inevitably be
drowned, electrocuted, or shot in the head.
“I know he has what it
takes to avoid being carried out of Westminster in a trash bag,”
Caldwell said. “And for me, there’s nothing more satisfying than shaping
a dog into a maniacal killer from the moment of its birth, torturing
and starving it for years, and then forcing it to fight for its
significantly shortened life.”
“That being said, this nasty son of
a bitch right here is also going to make me a lot of fucking money,” he
added, hoisting Nitro up by his tail.
